KORY (thekory) wrote,

us homos went to Brokeback Mountain and all I got was a ticket stub


I wasn't looking forward to seeing it. I hadn't spent months excited about the day it would open in Oklahoma City. I wasn't one of the queens holding my breath in anticipation. I wasn't interested in it... Most of all, I was sick of hearing about shit about these straight actors playing gay. Big fuckin deal.

Anyways. So I saw the movie. I was bored to tears through almost all of it. Whiney depressed closet queen bullshit. Yeah, so it's set in the 1960's in small towns where the gay revolution is yet to hit. (speaking of- WHAT gay revolution, anyways? Let's cause some trouble, sisters!) So they can't be out of the closet. Yeah, they're tough enough to ride some horses and beat up on each other, but they can't be a man enough to beat the odd gay basher that comes their way? Anger, Bitterness, laziness, emotional paralysis, blah and blah.

Oh, so it's a "LOVE STORY." Yeah. It was such a beautiful love story.

EXCUSE ME? A love story? Exactly how did the little not-so-lone rangers fall in love? All they fucking did for an hour was hang out on a mountain NOT TALKING unless they're bitching about eating beans and then BAM! Exactly. BAM! So they get DRUNK, end up in a little tent, where they fuck like a couple of mentally challenged weightlifters with gold medals from the Special Olympics. Seriously. BAM BAM BAM, pant pant pant, and then some anal sex with only a dab (A DAB) of saliva. What THE FUCK?

So it's a love story. And for the next ten hours, we can watch how miserable they get, as they succumb to heterosexual marriages while attempting to carry on a long distance thang using POSTCARDS. I just sat there bored and wanting the movie to take off in more exciting directions. I wanted the spurned wife to go Andrea Yates style and drown all the kids. I wanted the cowboys to go militant fag and just start beating the shit out of random heterosexual passersby. I wanted the two guys to just stop being fucking miserable and move to the ranch of their dreams! JUST STOP BEING SO FREAKIN MOODY!

And it couldn't have been historically correct- but the nearest place Ol' Boy can pick up a male prostitute was in MEXICO? (This, actually, was the most enjoyable part of the movie. I was cracking up as I realized he was about to pick up a ho while little kids are trying to sell CHICKLETS... and it also led to one of the better lines of dialog: "Hell yeah I went to Mexico!"

Yes, children. THAT was the good line from the movie. I know, I know, the crowd seems to be swearing by the oh-so stolen from a Lifetime movie line, "I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU," but I much preferred the line about Mexico.

And speaking of LIFETIME, that is where this cloying piece of bullshit movie belongs.
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